Growing Pains part 1

I’ve been thinking a lot about energy for awhile now and how little I seem to have most days. I think about how precious it is and how to best utilize it when I have it. The more I invest myself in what I deem important the more I begin to understand what isn’t.

I’ve begun to understand who is worthy of my energy and to what extent. I also spend a lot of time explaining this to others I care about and hoping they understand this before it drains them. Some people are attracted to you for no other reason than the energy you emit and they will latch on to you. This is how a lot of friendships are made. However, most times they latch on in a way that is not beneficial to your growth and health. They become parasitic and it is very rarely on purpose or with malicious intent. Most bloodsuckers don’t know they’re harmful, they’re just trying to survive in whatever way they know how.

Remember that just because someone is nice does not mean they are good. Someone can be the most giving person you know, but may be leeching off of the kindness of someone else. They’re nice, but not good. They’re not deserving of hate, but they do not deserve your constant time, effort, energy, and kindness.

Surround yourself with love and nurturing. Always make room for yourself in your life and take the time to open your eyes to those you’ve allowed into the home you’ve made. Make time to be alone, do things that make you smile, and if you don’t know then make time to try new things to find out. Refill and refuel yourself. You are the most important person in your life so take care of you and don’t feel ashamed if that means setting hard boundaries for what is acceptable behavior from others.

Keep your intuition on point and know what is best for you. Your energy is precious. Don’t let others steal it from you.

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(I will rise)

I will rise
After a thousand years of solitude
Embodying the roses as they
Close and open
Whispering apologies towards the sand.
I do not know what it is
That causes me to fold and unfold
But I bare my teeth
Showing the slivered moon
A mouth poised to scream
But the sun burns through
(You were too radiant to hold
With eyes closed)

You were but a fragile gesture,
A home not yet traveled.

[An inbox full of missed connections,]

An inbox full of missed connections,
Phone calls filled with concern.
My brother once found a feather
That reminded him of me.
One side neat and beautiful,
The other frayed and torn.
It hangs from the rear view mirror
As a reminder of now and then.
I grow older and wiser,
My edges sharp where I have frayed,
But my corners are rounded and soft.
I flip like a coin of emotion,
Two faces spinning round.

I call myself Harvey Dent.

I look at a ghost with each glimpse in a mirror,
Haunted by what could have been.
The light in my life has gone out,
But there is hope yet in the dark.

I leave the door open.
I wait for the coin to land.

Colorado Blue pt 1

My excursion to Colorado is coming to a close and I feel the need to write this while these thoughts and feelings are still fresh. The journey out here was a long and complicated one, filled with unexpected bumps in the road. I remained unusually optimistic and relaxed as a result of thinking about seeing the mountains again. To be able to climb one and really see the blue of distance. I somehow have escaped my anxiety for the time being and have been thinking and feeling so clearly. Perhaps it’s the high altitude, being somewhere new, or the amount of weed smoke clouding this city (a joke should anyone need clarification). But I’m leaving here with a lasting impression that I hope sticks with me and perhaps might help some of you.

So here it is: life is far too short to waste it on attempting to make a lot of things work. Of course there are things in this world worth fighting for, but nothing is worth harming your emotional, mental, and physical wellbeing over. So stop trying to look like you did when you were 16. Start eating better foods and be active because it feels good and it’s good for you. Donate the clothing that you’ve been desperately trying to fit into to a good charity. You’ll feel better for it and it won’t haunt you. Stop wasting time trying to like Mozart and Chopin because you’ve been lead to believe classical music/instrumentals will validate your intelligence. It doesn’t. Instead pick up that book you’ve been intending to read or take that trip you’ve been dreaming of and learn something about the world and yourself. Stop trying to plan out your life. Knowing what you want is healthy, but planning out the rest of your life will only lead to disappointments and feelings of failure. You deserve some freedom, even when it’s from yourself. And here is the most important thing. Listen carefully. Let it sink in. For the love of all that is good in this world, please stop trying to make things work with people by waiting around hoping they will change. You are wasting your time waiting for someone else to “become.” But becoming takes time, experiences, and the willingness to do so. You cannot force another being to have the will to change. He is not going to be nicer to you, nor will he open up about his feelings. She is not going to gain a personality you are drawn to or gain the sense of humor you enjoy. Those people you so desperately want to feel closer to and be embraced by? They will not become warmer or more inviting. Please, do yourself a favor, stop trying to change anyone other than yourself. It is not going to happen. Accept that this is a fragment of the blue of distance. You are who you are because of everything you have ever experienced. Your changes are not done in the same manner as others. Understand that you are also a being that others will want to change to better fit their desires and needs. Don’t dwell on this and just “be.”

It all comes down to this: either accept the people in your life and embrace them as they are and for what they have and will become or release your clumsy grasp on them and bid them farewell. There is not enough time.

For Chip

Sturdy.
A soul that comforts when I fall.
A moment of panoramic bliss.
Showing what could be.
A place for depravity to find solace.
Guidance when all are lost
And you are so desperately trying to be found.
But I have found you
Accepted you
And embraced you.
Colossal. In all things grace.
The dandelion after a long year of frost.

Boxed wine.

Boxed wine.
Passed over and abused.
You learned to embrace it
And push everyone away.
Let us be nothing
So that we may last forever.
I am depths so deep
That men fear to dive.
Don’t fear my currents,
I won’t let you drown and die.
My grip is so delicate,
Yet my crescents are white.
I showed no sign of fighting,
But I’ve been holding on for dear life.
My fingers are softer
than they were before,
I mimic the rose, but the bee isn’t sure.

The orange is peeled
Like a smile I once knew.
You asked me to help you and I wanted to say,
“You have always been a poem.”
But your grin rolls like flannel sleeves
And you always say,
“Those who stay together,
Decay together.”
I would swallow the sun
To keep you warm.
But I’ve donated my heart to nasa,
To know black holes for sure.

I want to change the education system

I want to change the education system
Allow people to feel and think
And put their hearts on paper
Let the ink drip out of vessels
Open minds to the possibilities
And suppressed potential
Untie the noose around women’s necks
Let them stand on their own
And shed the layers of set standard
Crack open roads for green to grow
And animals to stand a chance
Be cleaner than the air I breathe
To wake up without feeling lost and found again
To sleep without nightmares from a tormented conscience
Stretch my limbs across the world
Until everything is touched.
To do good.
To be good.