the mom friend

I don’t want to be the mom friend anymore.
I was always wired for empathy
and I opened my heart to many.
I took them in
and sheltered them
and unknowingly whispered
“use me.”

I can tell a lot about my friends
because they never thank me
and if I’m the mom friend
then they certainly don’t appreciate the womb I’m emulating.

I don’t want to be the mom friend anymore.

I never realized that offering my home once meant forever
or giving them my advice meant for always. Despite whether it was good for me.
My time was no longer mine
and I could be reached at the touch of a button.
My time was was no longer mine
because I offered it once
and that meant eternity.

I don’t want to be the mom friend anymore.
I don’t want to be leaned on,
but never shown the same support.
I didn’t realize that the phone only worked one way.
I began to understand that my time was less valuable than yours
Because when you’re the mom friend
your sole purpose is for those you loved
and you’re a bad mother if don’t answer the call.
I didn’t realize that I had to cement myself to stand strong.
That I had to push the tide of emotions and troubles down to make room to nurture others.
I’m sorry your brother died,
but my girlfriend is a bitch.
I’m sorry you’re crying every day,
but work is draining me.
I’m sorry you feel like dying sometimes,
but I’m low on money and wanted to know…
do you want to get food?

I don’t want to be the mom friend anymore
Because the thought of being a real mother makes me nauseous
Because I want to live my life alone
Because I want to be left alone
Because I want to be called “my friend”
Because I don’t even want to take care of myself anymore
Because I don’t want my anger to be dismissed as “mama bear mode”
Because I don’t want to carry the burden I never asked for to begin with
Because I want to go out without having an eagle eye
Because I want to worry about me.

I don’t want to be the mom friend anymore
Because being a woman is hard enough.

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